“The Truth Will Set You Free, But First It Will Make You Miserable” The President James A. Garfield Podcast: Presented by Fracture

Presidents of the United States come and go. Most of them are dead. Several are wished to be dead, but they all have one thing in common, a need to be heard.

In the year of our Lord 1881, James A. Garfield was President for a mere four months before an assassin shot him. He died two months later. Historians have often wondered what feats of courage and change would a Garfield presidency have produced if given the opportunity. For James, his eternal soul has remained in flux, tortured by what-ifs?

Through the magic of twenty-first-century technology, as well as several shadowy figures who will remain nameless, President James A. Garfield once again has an opportunity to capture the attention of America, and he’s doing so with his podcast, “The Truth Will Set You Free, But First It Will Make You Miserable” The President James A. Garfield Podcast: Presented by Fracture. Each week, President James A. Garfield interviews a regular citizen of the twenty-first century in an attempt to bridge the years and one day give his soul the rest he so desperately needs — presented by Fracture.

This week, President James A. Garfield sits down to speak with a chef who has three Michelin stars, noted braised ribs expert Edward “Tippy” LaFontaine. Tippy agreed in advance not to disclose the meeting's location due to concerns from the shadowy individuals who will continue to remain nameless. What follows is an honest account of their conversation, edited for clarity.

President Garfield: Welcome everyone to “The Truth Will Set You Free, But First It Will Make You Miserable” The President James A. Garfield Podcast: Presented by Fracture. As always, I’m joined by my trusty assistant and former Secretary of the Interior, Samuel J. Kirkwood.

Sam: Hey there.

President Garfield: As well as my producer, “Not That” Chuck Lorre.

Chuck: Mr. President.

President Garfield: Today, I’m going to be speaking with Edward “Tippy” LaFontaine, and that should be quite a hoot, but before we do that, let me spend thirty seconds on a friend of the show and our sponsor, of course, Fracture. As you may or may not remember, I died one hundred and thirty-nine years ago. During that time, there have been several significant leaps in technology. To a man like myself, a citizen of the nineteenth century, some of what you take for granted today comes across like magic. One, in particular, is Fracture. This is a company that can apparently capture a moment in time and not only reproduce it but transmutes the image on actual glass. Now, I might not understand the internet or the idea of paying for water, but one thing I do know is a good deal. For listeners of my show, enter promo code: PRESGARF

Sam: laughing

President Garfield: What’s that, Sam?

Sam: I’m sorry, Mr. President. Isn’t there a more dignified promo code they could use?

President Garfield: You don’t like the PRESGARF?

Chuck: Maybe that should be your Twitter handle.

President Garfield: Twitter?

Chuck: I’ll explain later.

President Garfield: Remember, big ideas have simple beginnings. Put your ass on glass. Fracture. And now, let’s meet our guest.

*Jazzy instrumental music*

President Garfield: Ohh, Chuck, I like that. What is it?

Chuck: I don’t know the name. Just some stock music for the bumper.

President Garfield: Well, I like it. Has a nice beat. Anyhoo, let’s bring on our guest. He’s a world-famous chef, and he’s won two? Is that right?

Tippy: Two, what?

President Garfield: You’ve won two Michelin stars?

Tippy: Ahh, actually, I’ve won three.

President Garfield: Well, that’s embarrassing. We’re off to a great start Chuck.

Chuck: It’s literally right there in the copy.

President Garfield: I came back from the dead to do this podcast, and you’re going to give me shit?

Chuck: Fair point.

Tippy: It’s no big deal, Mr. President; thanks for having me on.

President Garfield: Please, call me President James A. Garfield. No, don’t do that; that was a joke. Call me James or Jim.

Sam: How about PresGarf?

President Garfield: Ohh, look at that! A callback. Tippy, you won’t know what we’re referring to because we tape the introductions in advance.

Tippy: Sound good. How are you doing here in 2021?

President Garfield: If I’m being honest, I must admit a lot has changed since 1881! chuckling

Tippy: A lot has changed since 1981! more chuckling

President Garfield: Indeed! I hear I am no longer the most popular Garfield either!

Tippy: Yeah, that big fat orange cat crept into the hearts and minds of Americans all over. Have you read the strips?

President Garfield: I must say I’m more of a fan of the strip that he’s not in.

Tippy: laughing Garfield Minus Garfield?

President Garfield: That’s the one! Whoever came up with that…two toots for you!

Tippy: Two toots?

President Garfield: Of the trumpet? You don’t say that anymore? I’m sorry; my lexicon must be so outdated.

Tippy: No, that’s okay. I kind of like it. In fact, I think I’ll name my next dish Two Toots!

President Garfield: Ahh well, that’s what we call in the podcast business a segue. Very impressive.

Tippy: Thank you. I’m humbled that a former President of the United States knows about my ribs.

President Garfield: Yes, I must admit that in between learning about the internet and tasting empanadas for the first time, I sampled some of your delicious food.

Tippy: What was better?

President Garfield: Oh c’mon, man! The empanadas were good, but they don’t compare to what you do. You’re like an artist for our mouth...a mouth artist. Is that a thing, Sam?

Sam: Sir?

President Garfield: Do people say, mouth artists?

Sam: I don’t believe so, sir.

President Garfield: Chuck, feel free to merchandise that — shirts, hats, you know the deal.

Chuck: On it.

President Garfield Anway, Tippy, how do you do it?

Tippy: Do it?

President Garfield: Cook — create the food the way you do!

Tippy: Ohh, well, first, thank you. It goes back to my mom. She taught me everything.

President Garfield: Two toots of the trumpet for your mom! Toot toot!

Tippy: Thank you.

President Garfield: Word on the street has it that you’re going to share with us one of your famous recipes. Can that…can that be real?

Tippy: laughing Can I be honest?

President Garfield: If you can’t be honest on “The Truth Will Set You Free, But First It Will Make You Miserable,” The President James A. Garfield Podcast: Presented by Fracture, I’m not sure where you can be.

Tippy: I am, but even if you copied me step for step, there’s no way it would come out the same.

Sam: A little braggadocio!

President Garfield: I like it! I like the confidence!

Tippy: It’s true, though. There’s an art to cooking, and I was blessed with some talent.

President Garfield: Indeed you were. Ahh, really, Chuck? Now? Okay, Tippy, would you hold on for one second? My producer Chuck Lorre —

Tippy: The Chuck Lorre?

President Garfield: I always forget to preface it by saying “Not That” Chuck Lorre. No, he’s just your average nobody who bosses around a guy who not only became President but also figured out resurrection but hey, no big deal, right?

Chuck: We have sponsors!

Tippy: That’s why I tried staying independent for as long as I could.

President Garfield: Where were you with that advice eight months ago? Okay, time to take a break. We’ll be right back.

*Jazzy instrumental music*

President Garfield: I’m reading an ad for something called MeUndies?

Sam: Not very Presidential.

President Garfield: No, Sam. No, it is not. But I guess we’re doing it.

Chuck: I’ll be expecting a call from them the day this comes out.

President Garfield: At MeUndies, we’re all about one thing…making the…I’m sorry I can’t…I can’t read this.

Sam: I’m sorry, sir.

President Garfield: So am I, Sam. Give them their money back, Chuck.

Chuck: Will do, sir.

President Garfield: Let’s get back to the show.

*Jazzy instrumental music*

James: And we’re back. Did you enjoy that Tippy?

Tippy: I’ll never forget it.

President Garfield: Now, Tippy, you’ve moved around a lot during the course of your life.

Tippy: Yeah, you could say that.

President Garfield: Would you mind listing off all the places you’ve called home?

Tippy: Sure, in New York, I lived in Brooklyn, Staten Island, Queens, and Farmingdale. In New Jersey, I lived in Weehawken, and now I’m in Connecticut.

President Garfield: Weehawken, you said? As in the place where Aaron Burr shot…

Tippy: Alexander Hamilton, yes, that’s the one.

President Garfield: Lovely town.

Tippy: You know they made a play about him.

President Garfield: The town of Weehawken?

Tippy: No, Alexander Hamilton.

President Garfield: Really? There’s so much I still don’t know about.

Tippy: You haven’t seen Hamilton yet?

President Garfield: Sam? Why haven’t I seen Hamilton?

Sam: It’s a tough ticket to get, and now there’s a whole pandemic thing happening.

President Garfield: But I’m already dead!

Chuck: I’ll work on it.

President Garfield: Thanks, Chuck.

Tippy: Yeah, it’s fantastic.

President Garfield: Getting back to things. It must have been tough not setting down some real roots. Do you feel like that influenced you?

Tippy: Probably on some unconscious level, but I feel bad complaining to a guy who was assassinated.

President Garfield: That wasn’t a good day either.

Tippy: I thought I read somewhere that Alexander Graham Bell tried to invent a device to find the bullet.

President Garfield: laborious sigh The man invented the phone but couldn’t save my life.

Tippy: Sounds like a song lyric.

President Garfield: Hey Chuck? Why hasn’t anyone written a Broadway play about me?

Chuck: I’ll contact Miranda and try to get him on the next show.

President Garfield: He’s the fellow who had the Nebraska album, right?

Chuck: No, you’re thinking of Bruce Springsteen.

Tippy: That’s impressive that you know that.

President Garfield: What can I say? He gets me.

Tippy: Clearly! And I think you lived quite an incredible life for someone who died at 50.

President Garfield: Before this turns into a show about me, instead of a show hosted by me, let’s get back to you, Tippy. Any advice for the chefs out there?

Tippy: Marry rich.

President Garfield: (Laughing) Two toots for you! On that note, the Summoners who returned my spirit to this material world are now chanting an incantation, telling me it’s time to wrap things up. I’m sorry, but it looks like we’re going to have to cut this short.

Tippy: I understand, Mr. President. Thank you for talking with me today. It was an honor.

President Garfield: Thank you, Tippy; the pleasure was all mine. I want to thank my guest, Tippy LaFontaine, my trusty sidekick, former Secretary of the Interior Sam J. Kirkwood, and of course, my producer, “Not That” Chuck Lorre. Tune in next week when I speak with Al Alcied, columnist for the Virginia Star. He has some wild stories covering politics for the past thirty years.

Sam: I hope he didn’t dig up any dirt on you!

President Garfield: Ohh, Sam! I might have come back from the dead, but I left my skeletons back in 1881! Until next time, don’t forget to give yourself two toots of the trumpet! TOOT TOOT!